John Herbert
Jonathan "John" Oppenheimer Herbert, (Also Known As '''Herbert the Pervert')'' is a creepy old pedophile, who lives down the street from The Griffins. He is mostly sexually attracted to Chris Griffin, but has the hots for preadolescent and other adolescent boys between the ages of 8 and 19 as well. He never is sexual towards 20+ year olds. He first appeared in "Neighbor Pains", when he moved into Spooner Street. Biography Herbert used to live in Massachusetts, where he got in a lot of trouble for being proven guilty of child molestation, child abduction, child pornography, and a bunch of other crimes that begin with the word "child". Before he could get arrested, Herbert fled the state and moved to Rhode Island, where he managed to escape the radar and start anew in his new state. In "Neighbor Pains", John Herbert first moved into Spooner Street, along with his pet dog, Jesse. This is when he first discovered and fell in love with Chris Griffin and made several passes, in an attempt to rape him. Everyone on Spooner Street, who could have protected Chris, was comically oblivious to all of Herbert's obvious signs of being a pedophile. Everyone from his parents, Peter and Lois to Officer Joe Swanson, a police officer, who lived in the house between Chris' house and Herbert's new house. As such, Herbert was allowed to get up close in person with Chris, hire Chris to do chores for him, and even come to his house to babysit him. The only person, who was aware of Herbert being a pedophile was Stewie Griffin, but nobody could understand him. In "Pubic Indecency", Herbert the Pervert was aroused by Chris, going through puberty and kept hitting on him some more. Herbert tried to get Chris into bed with him, but failed. In "To Love and Die in Dixie", Chris delivered a newspaper to Herbert's house. Herbert tried to persuade Chris into his house for some food, but Chris wisely turned him down. The Griffin Family went to live in Dixie for about a week, and by the time they came back, their answering machine was chock full of 113 messages, all from Herbert, pestering them, about when the delivery boy was coming back. In "Lethal Weapons", Herbert was attacked by New Yorkers. In "The Sandloss", Chris overthrew his dad's baseball into Herbert the Pervert's backyard, while playing catch with friends. Herbert got the ball and suggestively called the boys to "come and get it", a call of which they all resisted. Chris and his friends were afraid to get it back out, with the fear of running into his dog, Jesse. In "And the Wiener Is ...", Herbert was interested in Chris' big penis. In "Model Misbehavior", he saw the nudist boy, Jeff Campbell at the mall and said "Holy moly! Today must be my birthday!", super sexed up an interested in that naked boy. In "North by North Quahog", he disguises himself as a teenage boy and goes to Buddy Cianci Jr. High School on prom night and asks two boys to dance. Brian observes the scene, chaperoning the party and comments "That is one ugly eighth grader." In "Brian the Bachelor", he watched Chris dancing around in his bathroom shirtless, from a ladder, propped up against the house. The ladder fell over and Herbert crashed into the streets, where he got run over by a car. In "Petarded", Herbert was singing the song "Peter is Slow", while driving in a car, with tons of little girls in the trunk, singing backup. In "The Perfect Castaway", he buys an ice cream truck from Brian. This ice cream truck would go on to make many appearances, later in the series, as Herbert's primary method of transportation. In "Mo' Jobs", Herbert drives his ice cream truck around and abducts kids. Not knowing what the business is really about, Peter applies for a job, working as an ice cream man on his truck. He gets fired on his first day for eating all the ice cream. In "420", he sneaks up behind a boy and a girl playing in the sandbox, with a net, during the song "A Bag of Weed", and a bag of weed lands in his net. Distracting him from the abduction, as now he can he happy that he can get high. Two more bags of weed land in the hands of the kids and they're happy to smoke also. In "Road to the Multiverse", an alternate version of Herbert appears in a dimension, where everything is drawn by Disney. Here, he is portrayed as the witch from Snow White. He offers to put an apple in the pie, Disney Lois is making, to which everyone replies with "NO!", throwing a bunch of pies in his face and slamming the door on him. In "Go, Stewie, Go!", he watched in shock, as "Karina Sunflower" came out as "Desmond Sunflower". In "And Then There Were Fewer", Herbert drives his ice cream truck to James Woods' mansion. James Woods betrayed Herbert the Pervert by replacing his old man pills with hyper energy pills. In "Chris Cross", Chris Griffin goes to live with Herbert the Pervert. In "Game Guy Advance", Herbert's avatar is shown in the Virtual Reality world. His avatar shows him as a little boy talking to other little boys and asking if they'd like to come over to his house and play. In "The Dating Game", he was one of the people on Tinder, looking for a 18-20 year old boy. In "The Quagmire Housefire", Quagmire rebuilds his house after it was burned down. However, Quagmire had a lot of sex-related technology installed in the walls of his house, such as a hold-down-o-tron for his bed, trap doors to a sex dungeon, video cameras in the walls, etc. and it would be impossible for him to get his hands on that stuff again. Fortunately, Herbert just so happened to have all the same stuff in his own house and he lent some of it to him. Quagmire commented, "I didn't know he was such a sex maniac too, and at his age, wow, good for him.", not knowing the kinds of people he uses these on. He noticed how a few of the machines were too small for adults and came to the conclusion that old women were frail enough to be handled with this kind of stuff. Appearance John Herbert the Pervert is a wrinkly, old creepy man with a weird shaped head. His head is bald and only has gray hair on the sides, with a few inconsistent strands coming out from the scalp. He has three old man circles in his scalp, just above some eyebrow wrinkles above his eyes. His eyebrows are gray and bushy and his nose is droopy. He has weird, crooked, inconsistent teeth, scattered about his big mouth and he has a slightly butt-shaped chin. His neck is very flabby and has a bunch of loose skin rolls on it. He wears a light blue bath robe and a white undershirt. He also wears white pants in the same color as his shirt. He has brown slippers. He also walks with a gray walker. He has a very soft, high pitched voice, that whistles whenever he makes the "S" sound. Personality John Herbert the Pervert is a creepy, perverted old man, who lives alone in a house. He does absolutely nothing with his life, because he has no job. The only thing he's ever done with his life that we're aware of is that he used to be a war veteran. So, he basically spends his entire life, thinking about little and teenage boys. He never gets caught for what he does, because he's very sneaky and shifty, and knows how to get around the rules. In fact the police seem to understand that Mr. Herbert is too old to get arrested. He also seems to get around the rules without care, because he doesn't see the police as any conflict at all. He seems to be a generally happy and blissful guy, who is totally happy with his entire life, revolving around being a creepy old molester who tries in vain to rapes kids and teens. Relationships Chris Griffin Herbert is in love with Chris and constantly stalks him, in attempt to have sex with him. Chris is totally oblivious to this and considers him to be his best friend. Herbert has Chris come over to his house and do chores for him, such as raking leaves and mowing the lawn. Herbert rewards Chris, by giving him snacks, such as cyanide popsicles, melatonin cookies, and spiked drinks. Due to Chris' massive girth and low metabolism, these rape drugs never work on him. As such, Chris is one of the few kids Herbert has never managed to rape, but that's not going to stop him from courting his number one prize. Jesse Jesse is Herbert's pet dog. The two of them are just as creepy as each other. Like how Herbert molests kids, Jesse molests puppies and they bond over this interest. They both share "Mmmm"s, whenever Herbert pervs out over a little boy. Cleveland Jr. Junior is a common victim of Herbert too. This has mostly been shown in The Cleveland Show. In the episode "Cleveland Moves In", Herbert was sad that Junior was leaving the neighborhood. In "It's the Great Pancake, Junior Brown", Junior cutaway to a Halloween in Quahog, where Herbert tricked him into touching his d---. In "Murray Christmas", Herbet came out of Junior's suitcase. Episode Appearances *Neighbor Pains *Pubic Indecency *To Love and Die in Dixie *Lethal Weapons *The Sandloss *And the Wiener Is ... *Model Misbehavior *North by North Quahog *Brian the Bachelor (Non-Speaking Cameo) *Petarded (Cameo) *The Perfect Castaway *Mo' Jobs *Hell Comes to Quahog *The Courtship of Stewie's Father *Petergeist *Stewie Loves Lois (Cameo) *Whistle While Your Wife Works *Prick Up Your Ears *Barely Legal *Saving Private Brian *Boys Do Cry *Bill & Peter's Bogus Journey *Road to Rupert *The Tan Aquatic with Steve Zissou *Family Gay *The Juice is Loose *It Takes a Village Idiot, and I Married One (Cameo) *You May Now Kiss the Uh ... Guy Who Receives (Cameo) *Airport '07 *No Chris Left Behind *Movin' Out (Brian's Song) *Breadlosers *No Meals On Wheels *Peter's Two Dads (Cameo) *Believe It or Not, Joe's Walking on Air *The Former Life of Brian (Cameo) *Blue Harvest (Star Wars Version) *Play it Again, Brian *420 (Non-Speaking Cameo) *Padre de Familia *Stewie Kills Lois *Road to the Multiverse (Alternate Dimension Version) *Hannah Banana *Big Man on Hippocampus (Voice Only) *April in Quahog (Cameo) *Spies Reminiscent of Us (Mentioned) *Go, Stewie, Go! *Something, Something, Something, Dark Side (Star Wars Version) *Dial Meg for Murder *Ratings Guy (Cameo) *The Splendid Source *And Then There Were Fewer *Baby, You Knock Me Out *New Kidney in Town (Mentioned) *Trading Places *The Mortician *Halloween on Spooner Street *Stewie Goes for a Drive (Voice Only) *Grumpy Old Man *Holly Jolly Folly *The Hand That Rocks the Wheelchair *It's a Trap! (Star Wars Version) *Seahorse Seashell Party (Non-Speaking Cameo) *Finders Keepers *Killer Queen *You Can't Do That on Television, Peter *Internal Affairs *German Guy *Tea Peter *Family Guy Viewer Mail #2 (Cameo) *Chris Cross *My Little Brother *Road to the North Pole (Cameo) *Brian's Play *12 and a Half Angry Men *Valentine's Day in Quahog *Bigfat (Special Opening) *Yug Ylimaf *Life of Brian (Non-Speaking Cameo) *Road House (Cameo) *Grimm Job (Fairytale Version) *3 Acts of God (Non-Speaking Cameo) *He's Bla-ack! (Cameo) *Hot Pocket-Dial (Non-Speaking Cameo) *The Book of Joe *Underage Peter *Take a Letter *Quagmire's Mom (Non-Speaking Cameo) *Scammed Yankees (African Version) *Inside Family Guy *The Simpsons Guy (Non-Speaking Cameo) *Game Guy Advance (Video Game Version) *An App a Day *Bookie of the Year (Non-Speaking) *Guy, Robot (Cameo) *Roasted Guy (Cameo) *Peter Pan (Cameo) *Run, Chris, Run *A Lot Going on Upstairs *House in Horror Hell *Fresh Heir *The Dating Game (Pictured) *V is for Mystery (Mystery Version) *Cop and a Half-Wit (Non-Speaking Cameo) *Peter's Lost Youth *The Monitor Monitor *Dearly Deported (Voice Only) *A Call Too Far *The Education of Elmer T. Bags *I'll Be the Judge of That *Peter Gets Fired (Movie Version) *Switch the Flip (In Tom Tucker's Body) *Cash Meg Ousside *Quagmire's Sexual Misconduct: Not on Tape *Peter's High School Reunion *Family Guy Viewer Mail #3 (Genderbent Version) *An Original Age Old Story *Roasted in an Open Fire *The Quagmire Housefire *Petey IV *Pirate Booby *Mort Almighty *Green With Envy (Cameo) *Family Guy Through the Years (1960's Version) *Regarding Carter (Pictured) *Con Heiress *Pal Stewie (Cameo) *No Giggity, No Doubt (Non-Speaking Cameo) *You Can't Handle the Booth! (Cameo) *New Phone, Who Dis? (Cameo) *VeggieFruitFables (Deep voice) Trivia *In early production, Herbert was originally written to be Chris' school bus driver. *Mike Henry claims that Herbert's voice was inspired by a friendly old man, who used to work with him, when he was a teenager bagging groceries at Publix. Category:Characters Category:Major Characters Category:Spooner Street Neighbors Category:Residents of Quahog Category:Male Category:Seniors Category:Caucasians Category:Single Category:LGBT Characters Category:Chaotic Neutral Category:Lawful Neutral Category:Stewie Understanders Category:Perverts Category:Pedophiles Category:Ephebophiles Category:Middle Class Citizens Category:Veterans Category:Karma Houndinis Category:Comics Category:Bald Category:Villains Category:Anti-Heroes Category:Grizzlys Category:Republicans Category:Rapists Category:Silent Generation Category:Herbert Family Category:Weed Smokers Category:Air Force Soldiers Category:Characters Voiced by Mike Henry Category:Characters Named John